SEXUAL INTEGRITY WORKSHOP

STILL NOT CONVINCED?
THEN REMEMBER HOW BABIES GET STARTED...

Despite the widespread availability of condoms, spermicides and contraceptive pills, birth control precautions aren't always taken before the heat of passion, and they don't always work when they are.

More than 40% of America's three million unintended pregnancies every year begin even though some form of birth control technique is being used.

1. The baby will be born, or;

2. The baby will die before birth, whether through deliberate or spontaneous abortion.

None of these endpoints is easy to deal with. There are not quick fixes where human life is concerned. If a woman bears and raises her child, her time and attention will necessarily be diverted for years. If she bears and gives up her child for adoption--an act of considerable courage--she will still not escape physical and emotional pain. The child may be gone into loving arms, but not forgotten.

Because many women find these options highly uncomfortable, they may seek an abortion, which may appear to be an easier solution. Unfortunately, many later come to realize that what was destroyed looked a lot more like a tiny human than a shapeless wad of tissue. And since at least one out of four women seeking an abortion does not actually believe it is morally right, thousands ultimately live with severe, long-term regrets--especially if the procedure itself, or a subsequent infection, leaves her unable to have children later in life.

WHICH BRINGS US TO AN IMPORTANT WARNING FOR WOMEN
(Men read at your own risk...)

In the sexual revolution, women have been (and still are) the big losers.

1. When an unwanted pregnancy occurs, the woman is usually left holding the bag, and she virtually always pays a far bigger price than her partner.

2. With the exception of syphilis and AIDS, STDs tend to have more severe consequences in women than in men.

3. When women accept the Playboy philosophy of sex-as-recreation, they trade a number of sexual encounters for . . . nothing. No ongoing relationship, no commitment, no security, no family and possibly no children (if they acquire a pelvic infection from a partner).

Therefore, when your date / boyfriend / fiancé begins murmuring famous lines such as, "If you really loved me, you'd sleep with me" or "If you don't, I'll find someone who will". Guess whose interest he has at heart? If you said yours, guess again.

It's time to wise up.

ALL OF THIS REALLY SOUND PURITANICAL. DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST SEX?
No way.

On the contrary:

1. What really devalues sex is the idea that intercourse is no more meaningful than a good meal or a drive in a fast car.

2. What stifles sexual satisfaction is casual copulating with little or no emotional involvement. (Songwriter Michael Johnson said it well more than a decade ago: "Bodies on bodies, like sacks upon shelves/People just using each other to make love to themselves"...)

3. What people miss in non-marital sex is the opportunity for enjoyment far grater than the immediate sensual experience.

Sex can and should generate a powerful bond, a relational Super Glue between two people. In the setting of a permanent and public commitment, it can be savored, explored and nurtured without guilt, without fear of consequences, without bartering, negotiating and haggling.

Consider the following contrasts:

I. Performance vs. Acceptance: For some, sex is like a perpetual game show. Give a "correct" response and the bells go off. You win the round and get to play again. Say the wrong thing, miss the mark, and the buzzer croaks. You get unceremoniously escorted to the exit while the applause rises for the next contestant. Women, especially, who are skilled at putting on a good show can become championship players--but they're on stage for their act, not for themselves. Unfortunately, faking pleasure isn't anything like actually having it.

Imagine instead having sex without fear of rejection, where pleasing and encouraging your partner becomes the primary agenda, where performance can always improve because it isn't subject to rejection. "Safe sex should mean much more than freedom from disease.

II. Suspicion vs. Trust: When one or both partners have a lot of prior experience, what's to guarantee that tonight's coupling isn't just another notch on the belt? Indeed, trust has become so foreign to the sexual playground that the phrase "Trust me" has become the caricature come-on, the phrase uttered by the predator who hopes that the intended prey is too dumb not to burst out laughing.

III. Guilt vs. Freedom: Believe it or not, lots of people still believe that the words "right and wrong" apply to sexual behavior. Even with the briefest exposure to traditional Judeo-Christian values you can't miss an important message: the Designer of sex cares a lot about when it's done and with whom. This is not because sex is bad, but just the opposite; because it is so powerful, so intense a force within us, and the one arena in which we can participate in the creation of life.

Sex is God's fine art, and we ought to feel uncomfortable about trashing it (Indeed, having casual sex is not unlike lining the bottom of a bird cage with the original Mona Lisa.)

Even without reference to a Creator, a basic concern for the well-being of others should put a crimp on the vast majority of non-marital sexual adventures, which are loaded with self-serving agendas.

IV. Uniqueness vs. Comparisons: You can only have sex for the first time once. For those couples who wait to initiate their sexual experiences until marriage, the wedding night can be an ecstatic time of discovery and bonding, even if they are not technically accomplished. (That can come quickly and pleasantly enough.) For those who have already sampled others or each other, the wedding night instead is more like finding the presents already opened on Christmas morning. And what if the partner to whom you're now committed isn't as sexually proficient as one or more of the others? Flashbacks are virtually impossible to suppress.

BUT HOW CAN I RESIST THE PRESSURE? EVERYONE I KNOW IS HAVING SEX!

Contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of single adults who are holding off on sex until the time is right. Having intercourse is not like breathing--you can survive without it But since the going can get tough, keep the following in mind:

1. Decide before the conversation, before the date, before the relationship gets serious, that sex begins on the wedding night, and not before.

2. Keep your reasons clearly in mind. You're waiting because you want to enjoy sex fully, without risking serious disease, unplanned pregnancy and distorted relationships.

3. Keep your most significant sexual organ--your brain-free of sleaze. Sexually oriented films and videos and explicit lyrics in rock and rap have not been created with your health and welfare in mind. Pornography, along with being incredibly stupid, pushes barnyard sex, rape and abuse.

4. Avoid situations which increase the risk of an accident. Remember that sexual feelings gain momentum like a car rolling down an ever steepening hill. It's a lot easier to put on the brakes in the coffee shop than on the couch.

5. Alcohol and drugs cloud judgment and weaken resolve. Stay sober.

6. Don't be a sucker for sexual come-ons and con games. Have in mind some responses for the tired lines which continue to make the rounds:

"Sex will bring us closer."
(It won't)

"Sex will enhance our relationship."
(No, sex will become the center of attention and then choke out everything else.)

"If you loved me you'd do it."
(If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask.)

"Just this once"
(No one wants sex "just once."

"I want to give you something to remember me by."
(Such as herpes, HIV, a pregnancy")

"If you don't, I'll find someone who will."
(I hope the two of you have a nice life.)

WHAT IF IT'S TOO LATE?

It's never too late. Many people who are sadder but wiser after one or more sexual encounters are now waiting for the safety and pleasure of a marital relationship. To rephrase a cliché, today is the first day of the rest of your sex life.

IF YOU'RE STILL NOT CONVINCED:

If you insist that sexual adventures are essential to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, be sure your life and health insurance premiums are paid up. With or without condoms, your life will be in jeopardy, your apparent liberty will become bondage, and your pursuit of happiness will ultimately be like chasing after wind.

For Further Reading

(In case you need a few more reasons...)

1. Why Wait? by Josh McDowell and Dick Day (San Bernardino: Here's Life Publishers, 1987) expands upon the issues raised in this brochure, with numerous first-had accounts of the consequences o saying, "Why not?"

2. Sexuality and Sexually Transmitted Diseases by obstetrician/gynecologist Joe S. McLlhaney Jr., M.D. (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1990) is an excellent overview of the harrowing world of STDs.